#DyanNagsisimulaYan

#DyanNagsisimulaYan:

The Sociology of Courtship, Dating and Relationships in Modern Philippines

By The Quatro Kids

Justine Burgos

Diane Gollon

Maris Olanday

Bea Policarpio

SA 21-T

Ms. Emily Roque

Introduction/Background

Every culture has a different way of going about dating and courtship, relationships and love. But whether it is traditional and conservative or more liberal and Western, dating culture in general over time still evolves and takes on new forms with the changing postmodern world. A couple of decades ago, it would have been unheard of to consider that things such as witty Twitter hashtags like #DyanNagsisimulaYan and popular dating books such as the bestselling Why Men Marry Bitches would make a difference in the way we socialize and define ourselves within the context of our relationships. With this said, our study serves to review the changing gender roles and norms in the dating and courtship in the Philippine setting. Finally, by means of survey interviews we hope to gain a clear idea of how modern culture affects dating in current times.

Review of Related Literature  

"Uso pa ba ang harana?"  In our fast paced and evolving world, we find that only thing constant is change. As we develop new ways to live and approach certain subjects affected by the influence of the institutions around us, we find that this applies even to Filipino courtship and dating. In our culture, it is considered as the first step towards marriage, and eventually the formation of a family, which is thought to be the heart and soul of our society. Over the past century, there have been some significant changes in the the way we build our relationships.

        In earlier decades, Filipinos have normally been known to have a very slow and arduous process of courtship. Back then, men were the clear initiators of the courtship process. Upon selecting the woman they desire, they make use of a very discreet and conservative process of dating. The first step to courtship was to ask for approval of the woman's parents. Upon approval, the man is allowed to court the woman, serenading her with the traditional harana's or making poems dedicated to her. These actions were crucial because men and women were not allowed to interact as freely and as casually as we do now in the modern setting. Dates were only set in broad daylight where there can be almost no privacy between the two people, and this set the mood for the very conservative courtship.

        The traditionalist structure was also influential on the socialization of the women. The norm was for women to be on the waiting end of the relationship, never being the one to make the first move. In many ways, society implied that going after a man was considered improper. In fact, despite having feelings for the man courting the her, a woman is expected to maintain a shy and secretive disposition towards him, playing “hard to get” and being pakipot in order to test his true intentions, aiming to make him work harder to win her heart. Traditionally, women were also only allowed to date one man at a time, and entertaining many suitors all at the same time was considered distasteful. Similarly, women who seemed to reciprocate the sentiments of several men at a time are considered flirts and were looked down upon by society, and their “womanhood” was seen as having less value than other more traditional women.  

        Of course, this whole structure of courtship evolved over the past few years. We can attribute these changes to the rise of Feminism, Western Influence and Technology. The 1980's were a time when women stood up for their rights, especially in asserting that their voice be taken seriously by the institutions of power which governed them. Truth be told, this assertion seems to be what was lacking in the traditional courtship process; the outward decision of women to be heard by men and be cast into the role of being a “damsel in distress.” They strived for change in the way women are depicted: helpless, and voiceless, and instead focused on building the image of an independent and strong woman with a voice, making her own decisions. This resulted to more freedom and decisiveness bestowed upon women in the courtship stage. In today’s world, women are no longer passive figures in society, further bridging the gap between the inequality between the two genders. Ultimately, this day and age of courtship move towards female liberation.

        Technology also contributed to the faster paced level of courtship. Gadgets such as cellphones, laptops, and of course, the presence of internet, gave rise to the birth of a while new medium of communication. Snail mail and letters which took months to be received quickly became a thing of the past, and Facebook became the present. Also, Western Influence gave rise to new and modern ideas in the courtship scene. In the west, where courtship is more modern and radical, ideas of sexual openness are vastly seen. Women's virginity was still valued due to the enormous influence of the Catholic Church, but because of the innumerable factors such as the influence of Western media and the like, it became valued at a lower degree. There is now a lower level of parental consent, but it is still widespread in this Christian nation, which upholds family values to the highest level.

*Sources reviewed included below in the Bibliography

Research Questions

MAIN FOCUS: Gender roles applied to dating in the Philippines

1. What is the role of men and women in the traditional dating culture?

2. How have there been changes in these roles over the past years?

3. What is the process of dating  and courtship(asking permission, preparing, dating itself) and how can this be applied to norms/dramaturgy?

Theory/Perspective Used

The theories and perspectives applied to this study were structural functionalism, social conflict, symbolic interaction and dramaturgy.

Structural functionalism was used to observe how the practice of courtship was viewed as and has become a vital part of life. Social conflict was used as a means to pinpoint the “powers” involved in the courting process--who directs the flow of its norm and practice. Courtship being all about relationships and interaction, social interaction looks into the way the two people involved in the courting process interact with one another.

Dramaturgy looks into the “frontstage” and “backstage” of courtship, exploring the ulterior motives and “inner workings” of courting.

Research Design

First we did some background research on the traditional Filipino dating culture which was observed in times past. Knowing this was important because we needed to be able to correctly gauge how this culture has changed in the past years. For this, we used online sources and book sources.

Next, we compiled survey interview questions (questionnaire attached) that would allow us to gather data from respondents which we selected outside of the Ateneo, which we attempted to diversify by gathering answers from respondents of different age groups from different social circles. We had respondents from all over Metro Manila; from Alabang, Muntinlupa City to Quezon City. We decided to separate the respondents by age group, namely the Adolescents/High School (12-16), Young Adults/College (17-21), Working Adults/Young Professionals (22-32) and the Middle Age/Married (33-59).

Finally, we conducted the interviews personally and in the process, documenting them as well. We made sure to employ the proper etiquette in interviewing our respondents, making extra sure to be respectful and reasonable. We then used the video footage to review them in our analysis in which we employed the sociological perspectives and other concepts learned in SA 21.

Findings

#ROLES

Our findings regarding the roles of the couples in initiating the courtship were that most of the age groups (namely those that fell within the groups of Adolescents/High School (12-16), Young Adults/College (17-21), and the Middle Age/Married (33-59) still commonly had the man be the initiator of the courtship. The exception in the study was of the Working Adults/Young Professionals (22-32) age group, wherein all three respondents admitted that the woman was the one who first expressed interest, even if it was through “vague”, “casual” or “malabo” terms. However, our findings also revealed that regardless of who made the first move or expressed interest first, nearly all of the respondents admitted that once interest was established as mutual the man was the one who still the one who wooed or “followed through” with courting the woman via special gestures (such as sweet texts, little gifts, establishment of inside jokes, etc) which he would not normally do for other people.

With regards to the gender roles of the individuals within the relationship itself, the common response was that they don’t exactly have established roles within the relationship, “it’s really all about teamwork.” Generally, all age groups answered in so many words that they believed that a “solid friendship was the key to a successful relationship.” However, it was interesting to note that though this was the recurring theme among the respondents, they all expressed it differently.

For the adolescents age group, they considered each other as team players in the relationship, and emphasized the importance of being the encouragement and assurance that their partners need, especially in the light of facing typical adolescent insecurities. For the young adults or college age group, their answers were similar to the adolescents but notably more mature in that they considered their partners to be their emotional or “everything” support, and that they relied on their partner to be their companion to everything, whether events or through the challenges of college life.

For the working class group, all 3 of the respondents have been in their serious relationship for at least 4-7 years, and have been close friends for even longer than that.  For this age group, the common response was that since they already considered themselves best friends, there were never definite roles between them, it was really more of a “give and take” between best friends who are equally protective of each other. One respondent did admit though that they take turns keeping the relationship spontaneous and “keeping the other one out of trouble.” And as for the last age group, the married age group, collectively their answers were also more of a “give and take” but that in married life there is more predictably certain roles in that the respondents admitted that the man is usually “under” the woman who takes care of the household and supports the man emotionally.

#NORMS

The norms have gradually changed throughout the years due to historical movements such as Western influence, technology, and the rise of feminism. Courting norms of the past include a strong preference for men making the first move as it was mainly a patriarchal society. Thus it was considered deviance for women to make the first move in terms of courtship.

In the next generations, it has been observed that the norm does not center on men making the first move anymore. Now women enjoy the freedom to take initiative to pursue their romantic interests. The propagation and growing respect towards women’s rights and capabilities or feminism has led to this evolving norm. Ironically, women empowerment can still be seen in less direct ways. For example, in the Philippines, where the environment is particularly conservative, women act “pakipot” or play “hard-to-get” to show a sense of self-value.

Writing letter and haranas are not part of the current norms now because of the rise of technology. These days, it’s very normal for couples to initiate conversations through the internet or the mobile phone. This affects the pace of courtship. Nowadays, the norm has also changed for couples to date for a few months then eventually get together. In the generation of our parents, fast courtship is deviance from the usual slow pace.

In conclusion, we can predict that courtship norms will continue to change and evolve due to continuous developments in society.

#DRAMATURGY

According to our findings from the interviews, all of the couples engaged in some form of dramaturgy throughout the courtship process. What was interesting to note was that no matter the age group, their performances were strikingly similar:

During the liking stage, on the front stage both the man and the woman act cool, indifferent and busy, in the effort to look uninterested. For example, for those couples who cited technology as a big factor in furthering their relationship, they would put intervals between texts to appear like they’re not eagerly waiting for a reply when in fact they’ve been staring at their phone for 3 minutes. They said that they would try to maintain this image in order for the other person to think they’re not too easy and to provoke the other person into making an effort. Would they really want the other to know that in the back stage they’re actually really, anxious, impatient and extremely available?

They would say lines like:

“Yeah. No problem!”

“Sure, whatever.”

“Nah. I can’t today. I have some stuff to do.”

          Now, when that pakipot stage is over, the man would then put on the “perfect guy” image on the front stage. He would be chivalrous and extravagant--the perfect suitor most girls dream of-- hiding the fact that they are actually frugal and somewhat “gago” or silly. Meanwhile, the woman would stay pakipot but this time, she would put effort in keeping the guy interested by seeming cool and spontaneous on the front stage. She would try her best to hide that in the back stage she has an over-analyzing, over-thinking and extremely cautious nature.

Men:

“Oh it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you like it.”

*opens the door* “After you!”

Women:

“I’m down for anything!”

“Oh. That would be cool!”

     

         Even during the interview, dramaturgy can be observed. Most of us are aware of how couples are very expressive and passionate when they are with one another. But in front of the camera, they put on a face acting all timid. There were instances wherein we would catch the couple looking at each other as if waiting for a go signal or permission from each other.

"Pwede na ba yun?"

"Diba?" *looks at partner*

*Looks at each other* "uh.. Yeah."

In fact, there was even a couple who only had the guy face the camera because they weren't legally going out, meaning the girl's parents didn't know about their relationship.

Analysis

Analyzing our findings on roles, we can infer that there is less pressure to fit into certain gender roles within the context of the relationship. There is also more freedom on the part of the women to become the initiators. Moreover, in analyzing our findings in the context of the concept of norms, we see that there is a shift between the traditional norms of harana and the such to the current culture of texting and casually dating which is considered completely acceptable nowadays.

We found that the Married age group predictably had such traditional culture because it was the norm of their times. The Adolescents age group still had some traditional ideologies predictably because they are still under the guidance and influence of their parents who upheld such an example. Next, the College age group focused more on the fixture of the barkada in playing a role in developing the courtship process which we analyze to be because of the structure of the block in university culture, as well as the emphasis on friendship as the main support base in this age group’s social life. Finally, the Working Adults age group had norms more centered on casual dating as the norms to get into a more romantic relationship which our group analyzes to be due to the increase in personal and financial freedom which typically comes from this age.

But overall, the norms of courtship have observably evolved through the ages. There is much sexual liberation and women empowerment that goes on in the present. While previously the norms have always leaned towards conservativeness, carrying a culture of “slut-shaming” and looking down on women who choose come strong and initiate the relationships they wish to be in, today, women are given more freedom to make their own choices. Women empowerment has become less of a deviation and more and more a norm--whether it is by Western influence, femenism or sexual liberation, women making the first move has become more common.

Furthermore, we see that dramaturgy is very much present in dating. People, especially in dating, practice dramaturgy in the hopes of getting the other person through the face they choose to show. This is nothing but normal. We choose different faces to show to different people. Sooner or later, the couple gets comfortable with each other making them show a different face to one another, one that is nearer to who they really are. It can be observed in the liking stage and the actual dating stage. This is probably what we call making pakipot which is a Filipino term explaining the behavior girls would put on when they’re being pursued. In truth though, it’s not just practiced by women but men as well. They practice the art of pakipot before the actual pursuit. We can call this their game plan or their play. Men would do everything they could to sweep the girl of her feet even if it involves occasionally getting out of their comfort zone.

The practice of courtship has become a regular part of everyday life. In Filipino society, often when a serious relationship is born out of nowhere without having gone through the courting stage, it causes people to question and raise eyebrows, simply because of how uncommon such an occurrence it is. Being something so vital and arguably essential in everyday life, it is only sensible that the concept of structural functionalism was applied to this study, as it may be viewed as something of an organism that contributes to the regular flow of day to day life. Essentially, the manifest function of the courting process is to get the attention and win the heart of your person of interest. It is also a means to get know this person better, and to gauge whether or not this person is worth the pursuit, and (for some) a potential life partner. It allows a person to choose a partner without the consequences of actually entering into a serious relationship. Such a thing is a vast contrast to the couples from much older generations (and presently in some cultures) wherein people would marry strangers out of convenience.

        Often through the courting process one experiences much emotional hurt and growth despite the lack of seriousness that occurs. Thus, it may be said that the latent function of the courting process is it may be a means of learning more about one’s self, and one’s flaws. On a larger, more capitalist scale, dating and courting widens the market for Valentine’s day and does not limit it to boyfriend-girlfriend type and married-status relationships, but to also those who are merely trying to romance their person of interest.

In terms of social conflict, there is an aspect of competition, in that courting is also about sharing a relationship with a person who possesses the ideal qualities one may wish for in a partner. Often people share the same ideals, therefore the competition here then arises from the odds of finding this ideal person, and then piquing their interest above all other people who may want to pursue this ideal as well. There is also an added dimension of structured inequality due to the fact that in traditional courting, it must be the boy who makes all the first moves in order to start a relationship. Therefore in order to make anything happen, the girl must wait for the boy to move, despite her wishes to start something, giving the boy power. This has, however, changed a little in the present, as the girl has been given some room to initiate against what was traditionally considered the norm.

Finally, relationships are all grounded on the way one interacts with another. Using the concept of symbolic interaction, we are presented with the girl’s point of view as contrasted to the boy’s point of view (wherein dramaturgy may be applied). It also involves reading into the various actions of the other and interpreting these actions in order to gauge how much romantic interest he or she may have for you--this varies between cultures, as actions are symbolic for different things depending on the culture. Courting is a very tedious as well as detail-oriented and requires a lot of foresight and understanding of the opposite sex.

Conclusion

Given the data yielded by our research and survey findings over the course of this sociological study, we have come to the conclusion that the norms which surround the Filipino courting process are still similar to traditional context except that there is significantly more freedom for the individuals dating in that there is less pressure to adhere to a certain formula for going about the whole process. Whereas before it was clear when a man was interested in establishing a relationship with a woman, today there is more ambiguity as to what actually “counts” as dating and courtship.

We also conclude that there is more ambiguity and power play that goes into determining the roles of each gender in the courtship process. In comparison to the traditional context where men and women more or less had specific roles set by society’s standards, today we see a significant difference in how these roles are negotiated and how they are valued. In fact, the notion of having specific roles like these are not given as much value as they were in the more traditional context: at the onset, both men and women are capable of being both the initiator and the respondent in the courtship. While the fact still remains that it is in our consciousness as Filipinos that there should always be some chasing involved in the courting process (as evidenced by our interview survey results), and that this is still traditionally done by the men, it is no longer considered socially unacceptable if the women engage in this power play as well. From this we conclude here is more leeway for both genders to have an equal influence on where the relationship is going, it is no longer a one-sided chase as was typically observed before.

Moreover, media and technology, feminism and western influence are what we conclude to have caused these changes. These factors have definitely influenced the way we socialize with each other in the dating scenario, and in the end it is of interest of us to question whether these changes are for the better. On one hand, it is a positive thing to see the establishment of more equality on the part of women as they are now able to assert themselves more in this context without being unnecessarily shamed for it by society. But on the other hand, we need to ask ourselves, have these changes somehow caused us to lose a certain part of our Filipino identity via our more liberated, Westernized mindset which we adopt in approaching the subject of dating?

Ultimately, our conclusion is that with most things in our postmodern world, the ambiguity of these changes--and the lingering question of whether they are indeed positive or negative--is something we should perhaps embrace as a mark of our generation upon the ever changing social norms of our culture, and by extension, our world. In the course of this study however, we researchers have also come to realize as well that just as Alfred Kinsey put it, “love is impossible to measure and impossible to quantify.” Though our findings may reveal a more liberal version of what the traditional Filipino culture would consider to be courtship which would eventually lead--hopefully--to love between two people, the fact remains that the love we witnessed between the respondents was undeniably there, no matter how which way they eventually discovered it with each other; whether by harana, texting, by casually dating or by being best friends. This only tells us that no matter the structure or culture of the times, if you are interested in a person (or possibly already love them) you will find a way to be an agent in the situation and make it happen. And from this, as our current generation would likely put it, #DyanNagsisimulaYan.

Bibliography

Russell, J., & Cohn, R. (2012). Courtship in the Philippines. (p. 146). Manila, Philippines: Book on Demand Publishing.

Miller, F., Vandome, A., & McBrewster, J. (2010).Filipino Modes of Courtship and Marriage. (p. 80). VDM Publishing.

Cannell, F. (1999). Power and Intimacy in the Christian Philippines. (1st ed.). Cambridge, United Kingdom: The Press Syndicate of the University of Cambridge.

Taylor, A., Harper, R., & Palen, L. (2005). The Inside Text: Social, Cultural, and Design Perspectives on Sms. AA Dordrecht, The Netherlands: Springer.

(2002). Courtship in philippine culture. Businessworld,Pinoy na Pinoy Column

Dating & courtship in the philippines. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://tagaloglang.com/Filipino-Culture/About/dating-and-courtship.html

Filipino courtship- tradition vs modern. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://philippinedreams.ph/filer/toledo-cebu/Filipino-Courtship.pdf

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